the days pass... and all i look forward is nothing. i hate that i cannot look foward to the future, at times. i like all that is pretty and cute and some that is bad and naughty. i have been in this loosing weight battle thing. why? because i need to go back to me. i have strayed from myself for long awhile. i take full responsibility for all my deeds. i need to take my life back from the gutter that i dropped it from, i have neglected all of me and none of me has been happy for a long time.
as i bitch about my life. i am making sushi rice and sweet red bean soup for tonight. i love that, cooking for him and feeling like a house-wify. probably, get a dessert from Nonya, b-g likes it. i want a commitment and i want to be not so stupid and dumb about/with men. the beans are still freaken hard as little rocks. i want a change, i don't really know what i want but i know 100% that i want a change in my life. for now i concentrate on my body image that is so distorted, that needs my full attention.
so, i printed 3 copies of the 'order forms' for the stamps, thanks to bloopy for the site... he is such a sweety. reminds me of my best friend mondo [his site is down]. too bad he's so far away... if my life would have turned out different i would still be living in a LA, but no my mother had to, like, jump ship and run to the north... freak... that is a story within a story... never mind. let's not talk about the past is too but too sad and painful!
b-g is... tired had a 12 hr shift at the children's and now he's out at a meeting. he's so devoted to his practice i am very happy for him. he works hard and loves what he does. but things are not progressing to something that i want and wished for a long time. i have to really think and get my brain around this, but i want to make my future and i somewhat believe that we make our own path so i come to a fork on the road and i have been there for a long, long time... i need to re-access my life and see where it takes me. i have no children, nothing to keep me here and still i remain... why? is it that inside i feel so inferior and i have no chance to survive in the real world, so i remain in this bubble safe and warm, away from the hardships and pain. i know it so well and i really keep myself from going there ever... it scares me to death!
as i bitch about my life. i am making sushi rice and sweet red bean soup for tonight. i love that, cooking for him and feeling like a house-wify. probably, get a dessert from Nonya, b-g likes it. i want a commitment and i want to be not so stupid and dumb about/with men. the beans are still freaken hard as little rocks. i want a change, i don't really know what i want but i know 100% that i want a change in my life. for now i concentrate on my body image that is so distorted, that needs my full attention.
so, i printed 3 copies of the 'order forms' for the stamps, thanks to bloopy for the site... he is such a sweety. reminds me of my best friend mondo [his site is down]. too bad he's so far away... if my life would have turned out different i would still be living in a LA, but no my mother had to, like, jump ship and run to the north... freak... that is a story within a story... never mind. let's not talk about the past is too but too sad and painful!
b-g is... tired had a 12 hr shift at the children's and now he's out at a meeting. he's so devoted to his practice i am very happy for him. he works hard and loves what he does. but things are not progressing to something that i want and wished for a long time. i have to really think and get my brain around this, but i want to make my future and i somewhat believe that we make our own path so i come to a fork on the road and i have been there for a long, long time... i need to re-access my life and see where it takes me. i have no children, nothing to keep me here and still i remain... why? is it that inside i feel so inferior and i have no chance to survive in the real world, so i remain in this bubble safe and warm, away from the hardships and pain. i know it so well and i really keep myself from going there ever... it scares me to death!
