Happy Valentine's!!!

Still in the same shitty mood as always... Trying to live life and its trying to suck me clean of my desire to live... I hate the holidays... This one will be one to fuckin' forget...

So, tomorrow is my first day! That is the only thing that will save me for now! I look forward to the daily grind. This one will be worth it. Japan seems so far away! What have I been doing with my life just dreaming and being stupid. i have to wakeup and smell the coffee before the train leaves me behind or decides to throw me into oblivion.

Seems funny now, of how things were just a few months ago. Now, it's total hatret of happythings aaahhh! Get me out of this hell hole...

My apt is still being invaded by the J-guy... He's better half comes on the 22nd... until 2nd... well good for them!!! Helped with payment and he paid back... I still need to give him a bill for the phone, he wanted... Due March!! He has 2 more months and I get my apt. Which I don't want... I need to do a clean sweep of that place!!! There is shit there I hate and don't want. Too many memories... I hate it there! If I go back it will literally scar me for life!!!

BTW:


★. ・ . * . ・　　　. ・　. ・　*　. ・
・ **** . ・ * 〇 Happy Holidays,
. . **Ｊ** * . o ・ Everyone!
**☆**** ＿＿П ・　　　　　　　　　　／＼／＼ .
***§*☆** ／＼ Ц＼ ・ . ・ * ／ ＼ ＼ ・
***Ｊ***§** ／ 口 ＼____＼ ／____＼__＼
|| | П | □ |　 . * ・ ・ ||. || . ・

So, life is great I guess... I'm still in the garden of hell trying to make my way out is really hard. When a door closes a window opens that is me at the moment. I feel like I hope my life changes in a few months. I want so much to forget and not feel anything for now. I want to scream, cry and just vent!! To who, know one! Why, cuz who wants a freaken' annoying woman venting about stupid shit!!!

Been playing with my baby DS... He's sweet and doesn't hurt me... BabyNano is doing great. He got new clothing from zCovers.

I need to find a new car plug for my pods... The other sorta is dying! What's good out there?

tube-blogging she is totally funny and keeps me amused!!

Been doing some penpal emailing lately. Its sort of fun and keeps me busy! I met one of them she was great. She seems to be nice and will be leaving in Feb to LA then back to Japan. Hope she can help me and well I can do the same thing.

Have also been chatting a few times with mr.nosthegametoo. He really makes me laugh and I guess I do the same for him. Aaah, the cancer sticks are still in my life but for him it's been 15mths and so very proud of him!!!

My internet connection is kind of loony, I sometimes can't go to peeps blogs the freaken thing is trying to drive me batty!!! I need to check stuff on the web about firefox. Do I need to upgrade or something on that line.

Need to upload my pictures of my tree and the cats loving it... heee...

So, finally got OLDCATMAN's new it onto my list. Finally, sorry about that... Need to really go and read and read. Been such a long time that I have ignore all my reads. But still using a someone else's PC. And I cannot always use it! AAAAAHHHH! I need my own... Where's the money insurance man!!! Where's the money!!!!

Since Sept. 16, the insurance report has been done with all the details of all the things stolen. We picked up the stuff that was recover from the robbery. An alarm has been installed. I have developed some narcissistic issues due to the break in.

October was a blur...

My Japanese tutor left for Japan Nov. 3rd for ever. He will not be returning. Goodbye to him!

On the 12th of Nov. I ended in the US. I was suppose to stay there for 4 months but it was not meant to be. I spend time with my mother which we had a fight and she kicked me out and went to stay with my sister. She was really nice. We went shopping and my niece is so damn cute. Now 4yrs old she is not so shy. I babysat her twice. She goes to private preschool. Thanksgiving was OK decided to stay home and cook at my sisters.

While there went shopping for flavor creamers as there are none here. I bought 10 and was charged $50USD at the airport as the bag was 69Kilos. But it was worth it!!

I got 2 pair of boots I love them so! Got some shirts and a couple of gloves which are great!

I been quite emotional these past few weeks! I was such a looser on the plane I started to cry for no apparent reason.

Oh need to mentioned that last week, which I was surprised, I got a job offer from a headhunter for IBM. And a few days ago I got another 2 offers for jobs which I am some what confidence that I'm qualified for.

Right now I have no Apt. as I sort of sublet it to a Japanese guy. I cannot live there until March. Back where I came from, am I!

Was planning on heading to Japan in Dec. but it will not happen. The thoughts of going are still there but maybe later on next year when I have some money.

Been spending money I don't have! Got the iPod Nano Red 4GB which was suppose to be for someone but the plans fell through and now I have ended up with it. The cost $229CAD [$199Us].

I still don't have a PC been wishing that the insurance gives me enough for my crap to buy an apple laptop that is my wish.

Wed. 29th, was when the beautiful crystal white DS, that I finally wanted, was purchased with 2 games [animal crossings & brain age], a kit [which includes 18 things] that cost 19.99 for the DS and a 2yr warranty in case it breaks. You never know! Now all the games that I had bought in eBay are being use all 8 of them. I am a happy camper. But still have to purchase a few more to keep me more amused.

Now I have my eyes on the Wii but I will wait until the DVD feature is activated on the consoles next year. And maybe just maybe it will be a little less... Plus, I been reading on the net and got told by the Japanese guy staying at my place that the Wii remotes can break easily and 2 people have reported that the console stopped working for no apparent reason. Nintendo was nice enough to replace the consoles for free. NICE!

I been listening to Ozrosaurus. Japanese rapper from Yokohama, not bad!

So the Advance GB Advance and NGC are gone with GenkiBlocks and Animal Crossings. They were in the consoles and also 2 NGC memory cards!!! Bye Bye games. Damn!! Let's not think of that now...

Japan CM on you tube are pretty interesting!

Tuesday started out just fine. When I got a call and then all hell broke loose. Well suffixed to say my PC is gone for ever and some other possessions that I'll never get back. Got some stuff back... An alarm was installed and thank god for insurance.

Wednesday was a horrible tragedy... The college I went to Dawson, was stalked by a mad man. I think he was a really troubled man. Was stuck watching TV to see what was going on. I watched some vids on youtube about it, too. Poor girl, who got killed. And then there are the 20 others that got shot and eight of them critically. 3 days after 9/11 that is some crazy stuff...

I hate when people leave stupid things that they don' t know what the hell they are talking about. Looser...

Changed my comment acceptance to only bloggers! I accept any comment atleast make yourself known for crying out loud. How pathetic can you be. Having an opinion and not leaving your name. That just pisses me off. Weak and retarded, that's my understanding of people when they do that.

What a rant... but I am still having a wonderful day...

It's gloomy and rainy. I wanted to go out an do some stuff but the weather is so darn icky that I just want to stay home cleaning and cooking and surfing.

Called cell company as I got a msg from them saying my unlimited local calling will end on the 27th of this month. But apparently it will end on the 18th of Aug which is sweet, plus all 3 phones have it. SUGOI!!!!

Going to go study Japanese now... Matane...

My messy new place... On July 1st!!!

Been on the hunt for a job. Finally got net last week. Been lazy on updating my blog.

I really been mostly watching youtube stuff. Nothing interesting has happened to really talk about besides just living my life and finding it a bit hard not to find a job that I really like.

I am happy for now, the is the truth. What with the new apt on the way. I am still looking for a job and well things been quite good, but my heart is still spinning. Why is it that every time I am happy I feel guilty? I think of the worst and hardest things in life. I want to scream and I want to laugh all in one. My thinking has gone on a sleeping mode and when it wakes it's total happiness... I feeling that is so awkward to my senses... How can I say things that cannot be put into words. My life has changed and well things are not quite easy but they are quite happy. Some might say its a temporary thing but I hope is not!

In other matters my bro is back from Japan. Yep, he is doing his thing now. I talked to him finally and he's fine. I guess the experience was quite good but he's now out and happy. The only thing is now he has other set backs in his life for his future I mean. As he dropped out of the Marines and now he is a washout sort of,but I am happy that he is not risking his life and he can have a normal one of that. On the 14th he's of to Chicago for an interview for a job. Which is great! I wish him all the luck in the world.

Been smoking like a chimney, need to quit but hey it keeps be off much much much food... I am quite ok with it for now. I know cancer lurks in the background but that's ok!

That's about it for now....

Dime por qué lloras
De felicidad
Y por qué te ahogas
Por la soledad
Di por qué me tomas, fuerte así,
mis manos, y tus pensamientos te van llevando

Yo te quiero tanto
Y por qué será
Loco testarudo, no lo dudes más,
aunque en el futuro haya un muro enorme,
yo no tengo miedo, quiero enamorarme.

No me ames, porque pienses que
parezco diferente
Tú no piensas que es lo justo,
ver pasar el tiempo juntos
No me ames, que comprendo,
la mentira que sería.
Si tu amor no merezco, no me ames,
mas quédate otro día

No me ames, porque estoy perdido,
porque cambié el mundo, porque es el
destino, porque no se puede, somos un espejo,
Y tú así serías lo que yo
de mí reflejo
No me ames, para estar muriendo,
dentro de una guerra llena de
arrepentimientos, no me ames para estar
en tierra, quiero alzar el
vuelo, con
tu gran amor por el azul del cielo
No sé qué decirte, esa es la verdad,
si la gente quiere, sabe lastimar
Tú y yo partiremos, ellos no se mueven,
pero en este cielo sola no me dejes

No me dejes, no me dejes, no me escuches,
si te digo "no me ames".
No me dejes, no desarmes,
mi corazón con ese "no me ames"
No me ames, te lo ruego, mi amargura, dèjame
Sabes bien, que no puedo, que es inútil,
que siempre te amaré

No me ames, pues te haré sufrir con este
corazòn que se llenó de mil inviernos
No me ames, para así olvidarte de tus días grises, quiero que me ames
sólo por amarme
No me ames, tú y yo volaremos,
uno con el otro y seguiremos siempre juntos
Este amor es como el sol que sale tras de la tormenta
Como dos cometas en la misma estela

so the last few days been sort of an eye opening. I send bum an email but no reply... I got some things I need to work on. I thank all the people who send their best wishes. been out of the net for a while. my grandmother is dying and I been so sad. I did the most stupid thing and now I'm paying for it. I have turn my life upside down and crap! I needt to fix it. I also, have quit my job and I'm in the process of getting a new one. I knew it was too good to be true. I now need to really think and not take the first job that is offered to me. They were just wanting too much out of me. I felt that I was being used. I got was being trained in like 3 different dept because I heard that they didnt want to hire more then one and alot of the work was being dumped on me. I was so stressed, even stayed late a few time just to help out. The apt is not ready to move in yet. maybe by the end of next week it will happened. The lease is signed and sealed so that I am not worried about. The search for a job continues.......

So the good news is got the job! It was my first interview in like 2yrs. Went to 2 and the first wanted me... Funny! Started today! pretty fun and all... And got an apt yesterday, signed the lease and all! It's really near my work, which I guess is great! 10-15 min away...
Been really thinkings tuff and wll life takes you in such a different direction that you expected. I thought my life was set and then something happened and all turned upside down, I guess for the good but still do miss my old life... Miss the comfort of it... Yeah, lazy me trying to analyse what shitty life I had for like 2 yrs. Well, it wasn't that bad, could have made it work, right Mondo? Heee... I really had it good! Everything in my life was taken care of but then I gave up alot to have it that way, and I guess I am better off. I am truly scared but maybe this one will be good and happy. Shit what the fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so freaken lame...
Nothing else has been happening... I've been lazy at reading peeps blogs... Need to catch up and all... Haven't really checked emails or nothing... Freak, been totally out of the loop of the net... Although, I miss it, I tend to go in and out of that world... I want so much to be able to do alot but crap it's all coming in slow now. Specially now with work and a new place, freak will be waiting for like 2-3 wks on that. My pad is totally sweet! I love it! Eventually, will now feel more like home then were I was before. Finally my OWN PLACE!!!!!!!!!!! About fuckin' time right!!!

Crap I've sworn so much on this. Sorry about it!

So back from the world wind that I call my life... I think that my life is changing as time goes by. I will be going to a job interview on Monday @ 10am. Wish me luck! :) A bit nervous but all will be ok. If this works then I can get and my own place, next! Crossing my fingers so badly this works...

I have also thought so much these past few days about me, my life and what I want it to be. I think that all that is around needs to change but I want it fast and now! Not a very patient person sometimes specially when I want change NOW!

Spoken to my mom and she's at the present moment on vacation in Atlanta, GA. Lucky!!!

I have found 2 songs that I wish and will download soon, hopefully, by UVERworld: D-technolife (lyrics) and Colors of the Heart. TAKUYA∞, the vocalist, looks really cute on the first video I watched on youtube but on Chance and Just Melody he looks totally different. Not so cute... hee... But still...

I change my comments as Bloopy mentioned it to me on his comments. THX :) He has the coolest way of giving a Vodka gift to someone. Pretty special... A man with a alot of imagination! Heee... Also, showed me the cutest site ever cuteoverload.com. KAWAII!!!!

The days have passed pretty fast for me these few weeks. I got an email on the 24th about a job offer hopefully I get it. I put my cv on monster and I had just updated and then that happened! I am still looking fir a job and an apt. I will be moving out of my boyfriends house, its time to become independent. I been too selfish and wanting to just be bum! I have not been wanting to be with him any more. It's going to hurt him but I need to do this. I am no longer happy! I need more and with out him will be better.

so the day has been totale yucky! I been thinking that even though my nails look nice they are already driving me crazy. I can't seem to type properly! It takes me like for ever!

Nosthegame and me have been like sending mail back and forth is so great that we have some stuff in common... It's been great!

The confussion has started what todo?The heart is so foolish. I am playing a game that will end so wrong. What is wrong with my heart why is it that it likes pain like a drug! I try to stop and then the freaken thing doesn't give a damn if the cause is so freaken wrong! I have stepped into a bitty little world that will make me happy for like a millisecond and then plunge me into despair for a long time! AAAhhhh what a tangled web I have started to weave!

Been exercising like a mad woman and have ended up with 9.7lbs out of my frame. 45lbs to go and I will be totally happy. Bought my bike for the summer. I love my new bike is so cute, its yummy green and silver.

Eating like a bird and like often. Have left most but not all sweets behind.

Went to get my nails down today. Theylook amazing. The girl was totally sweet! We had a pleasant conversation. Talked about men and why they sometimes are such asses... Heee... Walked from there home. Stopped at the store for cigs and the guy was like: 'Mademoiselle, you know that you have to be 18 to buy cigarrettes.' I was like I'm 33!!! He looked at me and said 'Is in't so lucky to look so young!' I just laughed and thanked him. Totally FUNNY!

That happens from time to time. Why can't men see I look/am 33! CRAP! Yes, most women want to look younger I on the other hand never liked that! I guess that's crazy on my part.

What ever!?

I wanted to go today to go see the powerbook but there was no time. Probably will go Thursday. As tomorrow I will go and see someone.

Also, called my cell carrier to get another phone connected. The Razr v3i for my friend. It cost me like nothing cuz of my account $$.... It's really nice. But I just finished calling again because I wanted to change it to black it looks like totally nicer! And the phone I ordered was the wrong one [Razr v3] that the sales guy put on my invoice. The one I want is w/ mp3s which is the V3i. He had the one without it on my account order... Now the order was cancelled and now I'm waiting for his call. Great!!!! The waiting game has started....

He’s soft to the touch
But afraid at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still leaves more than I can take
Oh when I don’t know
I don’t know what he’s after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

It's hard for you
When your heart has opened up to feelings that you never knew
Never thinking that you'd doubt our love you don't know what to do
I'd give anything, my heart, my soul if i could pull you through

And will your arms still hold me
And your eyes console me?

I’m sitting here alone up in my room
And thinking about the times that we’ve been through (oh my love)
I’m looking at a picture in my hand
Trying my best to understand
I really wanna know what we did wrong
With the love that felt so strong
If only you were here tonight
I know that we could make it right

How was I to know I’d miss you so?
Loneliness up ahead,
Emptiness behind
Where do I go?

Although love is a kind of duty, in giving it, give it completely
Sometimes love's beauty has no way of lasting forever
Love can enrapture you just as much as it can hurt you
If you've bravely loved, then you should bravely leave

But it's time to face the truth,
I will never be with you.

some times things bring you full circle. I have been really thinking all sorts things don't make sense.

Friday was a night that we had a fight. I ended up leaving and coming back Sunday night. The weekend went well... I forgot to call Mondo back, hope he forgives me. But I know he will. I am terribly tired but had a wonderful time. Met the roommates, Japanese girl [the same age as me] and the French guy [a travel agent, who's gone alot to the East]. We talked and had fun!

Didn't eat much as my appetite was cut by the fight and all the surrounding problems that we keep having. I walked for about 2hrs on Fri., Nori was a great companion. Very understanding which was great!

The only thing was I couldn't take a shower in someone else's house which made my hair so dirty. So, ended up taking one when I came back.

Went for a walk to the post office to check for mail. Got my PS2 game iNinja! Will be playing it this evening. The walk was good, we had a good time B-G and me. Went to Tim Horton's to get an Butter Caramel Ice Cappuccino! It was great. I have blisters from Friday. One started to act up near home. Which was good a 1hr 15min walk!

Checked my emails and got updated all my stuff... Listening to music!

Scars (SL - madarin)
The night is deep already; who is it that has
Let you awake like this to count the scars?
Why do you want to leave a light on just before you go to sleep?
If you're not willing to say, then I won't ask

Only now, you have no choice but to admit
Love is sometimes a kind of degradation
Disappointing people, although that is love itself
But don't do that just because you are a woman!

If you love deeply, then it won't be able to balance
For the trouble of sentiment, you've harassed your soul
Love the ones you should love, hate the ones you should hate
You should leave some love for yourself

A woman's only naivety and talent of gentleness
Should be saved for the one who truly loves you
It doesn't matter how bitter or difficult the future is
You'll have him by your side the whole time

Although love is a kind of duty, in giving it, give it completely
Sometimes love's beauty has no way of lasting forever
Love can enrapture you just as much as it can hurt you
If you've bravely loved, then you should bravely leave

Music makes me happy or sad... But it's great either way! I love it! I just need to master Japanese to understand the meaning of the songs I love... I can get the translation but I want to personally get it! Right!

I been in a thinking mode for the past few days... I want to so much to do something that is so very wrong but I am totally confused and fucked if I do... I don't want to loose everything I have worked so hard to get... I am really in a desperate situation, what to do, aaarrrgghhh. I cannot talk about this to anyone, I just can't! I have tried to analyse it myself but I am stupid and think that I am the worst person to make the decision, right... Crap!

Like the song says...

I always said that I would make mistakes,
I'm only human, and that’s my saving grace,
I fall as hard as I try
So don't be blinded
See me as I really am, I have flaws and sometimes I even sin,
so pull me from that pedestal,
I don't belong there.

Let's see what happens right!